LINUX SUCKS (SUX?)… and *NIX, too.

The following screed was originally posted to my old website, satanicpanic.com on 11/15/2000. I was very frustrated with the state of Linux at the time.

That’s right, Linux fucking sucks. It’s a piece of shit that’s just slightly better than Windows 3.1 in its day … hell, it’s even worse in many respects when you think about it. Don’t like that comment? Fine, I challenge you to a physical fistfight. Just email me and I’ll tell you how to get here in Southern California, USA. Oh, and don’t bother sending me an email that disagrees with what’s written below, save your time and come fight me.

Wondering why I’m so pissed off? Maybe you’re thinking “Oh, but Linux is this best operating system available” or “How can you say that? Micro$uck is terrible and Linux is free!” Give me a break, asshole. As an operating system to run common applications on … Windows 2000 wins. “But wait, StarOffice runs on Linux!” Ever try it? It’s a horrible piece of shit. MS Office sends it to hell. “Yeah, well you can run WINE, the WIndoze emulator on Linux.” Ok, how long did it take you to “install” WINE? Even with Debian’s “dselect” utility (my favorite – which makes most package installs totally easy but only runs on Debian Linux), I had stupid, terrible problems with the install. It says it requires all these other packages and then they all conflict with each other. So if you installed it and it worked on your first try, you don’t qualify to disagree. Try to modify WINE’s .conf files. See you next year. And make Samba work, too, nerd.

Remember how pathetic modifying .INI files by hand back in the day was? No one considered it a noble or respectable activity, right? How is hacking at a .conf file today any different?

“Apache Server is the most reliable, stable server out there. Oh yeah, and ever try running DNS or mail servers on NT or Win2k? Now what’s up?” Ok, sure, Apache and bind and sendmail are all pretty badass … but try upgrading these guys … or running into any problems whatsoever. You’ll begin crying like a little baby in front of all your co-workers and look like a total wuss while the boss fires you. Now you may think that I’m some sort of MS zealot. HELL no, you’re definitely wrong there. But at least IIS comes standard with all the necessary SSL stuff. Lets put SSL on a working Apache install, OK? Surprise! You’re in for a world of hurt. First, you’ll see that there are two competing forks of free SSL software. ApacheSSL and mod_ssl … and the latter talks shit about the prior one in the docs! WTF?! Next, you’ll have to download all of the damn pieces of required crap, read all of their docs, and compile them properly. Wait a second, looks like you’ll have to recompile Apache, too! Remember all of the little modules and special configs you used a few months ago when you compiled it last (if you even did it at all)? I’ll bet that you don’t. And if you did, you may not even have made good notes! Well, maybe since you’re recompiling all of Apache, you should get the newest-est version. Fine, remember to find all the newest-est versions of all those damn mod_whatevers, too. Forgot what their docs said? No problem, read them again and stick a broken pencil up your cock while you’re at it. So, a month goes by and you look a year older … try configure and make and all that shit, “what does it mean that it can’t find ‘ar’??? What is it anyway?” It’s some kind of little program used with “make”, I guess. Type in “find / -name ar -print | more” or “locate ar | more” (if you have locate installed) to find it. Then put it in your .cshrc or equivalent. What is that? I’m not telling you, go lay down over $100 for the appropriate damn O’Reilly books and get “Linux Administration for Dummies” while you’re at the store (your boss needs this now, you can’t wait for Amazon). Maybe there’s a thousand other problems left in your syntax and install methods. GOOD LUCK MOTHERFUCKER.

Wouldn’t you rather have server software that rocked AND was totally configurable with checkboxes and pulldown menus? Yeah … but when? I’m tired of all this crap. It’s all needlessly complex. Like why in the hell are KDE and Gnome duplicating each other’s efforts while claiming to be doing what’s best for users and (I hope) admins?

Oh, here’s one: “You’re a whining pussy … just take it like a man.” NO, this is bullshit. I’d be enthusiastic about learning shit like this if I knew the information was going to be useful at all in two years. The only people who need to know this hooey are people who make device drivers … not someone who can’t get a refresh rate higher than 60Hz at 1024×768! I should just learn how to operate a backhoe or something and come back to computing in about two or three years. Then everything will work properly. All the righteous *NIX zealots will talk about how they used to configure everything by hand, and NO ONE WILL GIVE A SHIT.